


Survivor, not a victim

by catherinerussellstolemyheart



Category: Berena - Fandom, Holby City
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-20
Updated: 2017-07-20
Packaged: 2018-12-04 15:59:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11558580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catherinerussellstolemyheart/pseuds/catherinerussellstolemyheart
Summary: OK, PLEASE READ THIS FIRST!I've neglected my fanfiction as I had been through a devastating ordeal. I identify with Bernie's character a lot, and as a form of accepting what has happened, i wrote this. It's upsetting, it deals with abuse and non-consent. It is based on my life so far so please bare this in mind if you leave a comment.I've not met my Serena yet, but I hope one day my story will restart like Bernie's does in this.If anyone is struggling with something similar, please call your local Women's refuge or SV2 centre, and hear me when i tell you you are worth more.(I am safe, I have left, I am just processing it all)





	Survivor, not a victim

Deep breathes, in and out. 1. 2. 3. 4.  
Calm, ground yourself, stay focused  
You are safe, you are strong, and you are worth life  
Bernie closed her eyes, repeating the mantra taught to her a year ago by her therapist. She was OK, she would be OK, this intensity, and this feeling would pass. Serena was not Marcus, Serena respected her, and Serena loved her. She could let go, there was no need to be afraid. Serena knew her past, she knew all about her; the good, the bad and the devastating, and she still loved her. Serena lightly stroked her back, whispering words of encouragement  
‘Bernie, it’s OK, you’re safe. You are in control right now, you chose what to do and when, I am here whenever you’re ready, and if that’s never, then I am still here’  
She drew in a deep breath and opened her eyes, seeing Serena’s face, full of concern, but not pity. It was adoration, pure adoration and Bernie felt it. She felt safe, she felt wanted, she leaned closer, lightly brushing her lips against her partner, mumbling ‘thank you’.  
‘No need for thanks, Bernie, I mean it. I just want to be close to you, if all I ever get to do is kiss you and hold you close, that’s more than enough for me’ Serena reassured her.  
Bernie moved to deepen the kiss, her shoulders still tense.  
‘Bernie, darling, no. You don’t have to, I know you want to, but you’re tense, let me hold you baby, there will come a time when it just happens, but for now, let me hold you’  
Bernie swallowed a small cry, blinking back tears as she cuddled in to Serena.  
‘I love you’ she whispered as Serena stroked small circles up and down her back  
‘And I love you darling’ Serena replied, dropping a small kiss to the top of her head, as they both drifted off to sleep.

*****************************************************************************************************************

They had been young when they met, 16 in fact. Everyone called them childhood sweethearts. There was love, yes, but it never began that way, it began out of necessity.  
Bernie, aged 16, realising finally that actually her feelings towards her female friend were more than just hormonal. It’s scary to imagine being gay in a family that will accept nothing but a normal, heterosexual marriage – her great aunt had come out in later life, and it was no coincidence that Bernie could not recall her face, or even her last name. As her father had told her, ‘we don’t accept that sort of behaviour in this family, it’s disgusting.’

Home life was turbulent, but Marcus was kind. His family were kind, and what started as a ‘cover’ story became the real thing. She enjoyed it, she felt loved, she felt like she belonged, but the power imbalance between them meant she always felt beneath them. She felt like she should always be grateful they accepted her, like she owed them a debt that she could never fully repay.

They moved in together at just 18, near her medical school but close enough to his family. There were Sunday roasts, family parties and celebrations that were so new to Bernie, but also comforting. This was what it was meant to be life – like the families on the TV. Sure, there were disagreements and every family has a few bad eggs, but she was lucky, she had Marcus.

Everyone told her how lucky she was to have him, and she felt it. She wondered what he saw in her, she never had much body confidence, she didn’t feel attractive, she was socially awkward and felt she had very little to offer.  
Feelings which increased when the years of supressing her troubled childhood came kicking and screaming into life, dragging her mental health in to a downwards spiral of self-harm and hatred. He had held her as she cried, cleaned her up if she’s gone too far, driven her to counselling.

He took control, but the control wasn’t limited to her mental health, he would put her down. ‘I can’t stand it when you go out, I never know if you’re going to jump off a bridge’ he’d sneer. So she stopped going out. ‘Why do you have to flirt with every guy you see? It’s like you’re asking for it all the time’ he’d admonish, so she avoided men.  
As her mental health declined, a beacon of hope appeared, she was pregnant. She was 19, in the middle of her degree, very little social support and had never planned to be a mother, but the moment she saw those two pink lines she felt a surge of life – she had a precious life inside her and she would protect this baby no matter what. Marcus had been thrilled, he joked she would have to marry him now, despite her turning down his proposals and not wanting to marry. Part of her suddenly felt trapped with the man for life, because she would not let her child down.

Their son was born, and Cameron made his mother the happiest she had ever been, she wondered how on earth her parents could treat her as she did as she cradled her wrinkled new-born son. Her initial happiness was marred by horrendous post-natal depression. Her body had changed beyond recognition, she comfort ate to comfort herself. Marcus would make her feel bad – he once packed up all her old clothes, telling her she was too big for them now so he was giving them away. He would pester her for sex, she was exhausted, and so he’d watch obscene amounts of pornography. She had enough, he had taken care of Cameron for 3hrs whilst she visited a friend. She had dropped Cameron offer in his car seat, snuggled in his winter onesie and set off.  
She returned 3hrs later, Cameron was still in his car seat, crying, overheated from his outdoor suit, and Marcus was nowhere. She eventually found him upstairs. After asking what he was doing he became angry, told her if she was a proper woman he wouldn’t be in this mess. She was heartbroken to realise that whilst her little boy was hot, hungry and crying, her partner had been getting himself off to pornography.

Still, she married him. Everything in her head screamed not to do it, but she wanted Cameron to have the stable life she had never had.  
Life continued and she continued to endure taunts, Marcus mocking her and his demands for sex. She tolerated his little indiscretions, blamed herself for not being a good enough wife. Things got worse when Marcus got passed over for promotion. He was angry, but he was a coward she discovered. Rather than take his anger out at those who rejected him, he took it out on her. His demands for sex became overwhelming, she would give in, let him have his fill then lie there feeling used. She was almost relieved to have thrush, as she told him they couldn’t have sex. He still tried but she was firm this time, it was a no. She woke, in the early hours of the morning to his fingers inside her. She was dazed, confused before she pulled away from him telling him to stop. He turned away from her, sulking, mumbling that their sex life was shit and she shouldn’t be surprised if he went elsewhere. After the first time, if she refused, often she would wake to him attempting to stimulate her, or on occasions he had already penetrated her. He would at least stop eventually she told herself.

Then she got ill, really ill and was physically in agony. Marcus lost his job, he was angry again, but directed it at her. He mocked her as she was in pain, taunted her. He spent the little money they had whilst she worked hour on hour to feed their son and pay their mortgage – whilst he favoured loan, after loan after loan. She was on powerful sleeping tablets to help her rest, his demands for sex were again being declined, at least he respected her choice this time, or so she thought.  
It wasn’t until weeks later she picked up his phone, what she saw made her physically sick. It was pictures of her, fast asleep, clearly knocked out by the drugs. He had removed her underwear, he had touched her, and he had photographed himself doing this. She confronted him, he blamed her. Told her it was better than him going elsewhere. He showed her pictures of his ex, told her he fantasised about how life would be if he’d never met Bernie.

She was determined it was over, she packed her bags but he took her car keys, he told her she could go but he was keeping Cameron, so she stayed. Soon he began with his usual tactic – guilt trip. He would profess to be so very sorry, and ashamed. He would claim he had a problem that only she could help him to be a better person that he loved her and couldn’t live without her that he didn’t know what he’d do. So she stayed. She went to marriage counselling, she paid his debts. She gave him another child.  
When Charlotte was born, her mental health returned. Being in the Army she had always worked out, but after Charlotte she obsessed about it. She obsessed until she lay in a hospital bed, her heart having given up after too little food and too much exercise. Marcus was by her side, supporting her through it every step of the way. She decided she had made the right choice, he was a wonderful man, a wonderful husband and father.

Once she had recovered, he again became more demeaning of her, he stopped any effort, neglected his appearance and hygiene. She was finally allowing herself to enjoy sex, to initiate it. She was determined to make it work. He quit his job, found another and she thought this was a fresh start.  
Only when he left his job, he felt angry. They never appreciated him the way he felt he deserved it, so he went out drinking. She sent him some sexy pictures, they flirted. But she was tired, she told him so, asked him not to wake her, they’d pick up where they left off the next night, she had work early in the morning.  
When she woke at 2am, she felt confused, dazed, she didn’t know what she was dreaming, she was aware that she was in pain, she felt his weight and she realised he was having sex with her.

She confused told him to stop, he was hurting her, that she was sleeping. He stopped, he picked her up, tried to get her into a different position, she resisted, told him to leave her alone, she was sleeping. Eventually he let her go, she lay down on her front trying to absorb what had happened, and thankful it was over. But it wasn’t, he came behind her, held her down with one hand on her back and he raped her. She lay face down, hands curled in to fists pressing in to her eyes, she couldn’t wake the children. When he was finished he through a t-shirt at her to ‘clean herself up’. She sat in the bathroom and cried. This time was too much, this time he had caused her physical and mental damage, this time she would leave, she would get help, she would escape and she would never, ever let him touch her again.

****************************************************************************************************************************

When Serena had first initiated sex, having wrongly assumed Bernie’s lack of effort was down to chivalry, she had felt rejected. She worried Bernie didn’t find her attractive, of course when Bernie broke down and explained what had happened in her marriage, Serena had been horrified that she had so selfishly assumed it was all about her. They had cried, Serena had told her she was good friends with the guy that managed the incinerator if she ever wanted Marcus to disappear, and she had promised to take things slow. So they had, and 3 months later they lay curled up in each other’s arms.  
It was morning when Serena woke, aware Bernie was staring at her.  
‘Stop staring’ she grumbled  
‘Can’t help it, your gorgeous’ Bernie blushed  
‘Bern, there are many words that describe me in the morning; cantankerous, angry, moody, frightful…. Gorgeous is not one of those’ Serena quipped  
‘You’re always gorgeous to me..I love you and…and…I, I want to… what I mean is… I feel safe and… I’m ready’ Bernie stumbled  
‘What? To get up? Bernie it’s only 7 am and we…. Ohhhhhh, you’re ready, ready?’ Serena quirked an eyebrow  
‘I, I think I am’ Bernie whispered  
‘Bernie, I want you to be 100% ready, please don’t rush, it is not an issue for me’ Serena reassured her  
‘But it is for me.. what I mean is I’ve been sat watching you sleep for an hour fantasising about the next step, I don’t want to be afraid any more. I love you and… and I want you’ She blushed again  
Serena sat up pressing a kiss to her lip, her eyes searching Bernie’s for any hint of apprehension, but all she saw was love. Love and trust. They kissed a while longer, clothes leisurely removed until they lay together, naked, kissing and stroking one another. It was Serena who took things forward, she traced her finger lightly over Bernie’s breast, running down the centre of her torso, towards her thighs.  
‘Is this OK?’ she whispered, the look of trust in Bernie’s eyes almost made her cry with happiness  
‘y..yes!’ Bernie gasped, relishing the feather light strokes Serena administered to her inner thighs  
‘OK, if somethings too much, you need to stop, your just say no OK? I won’t be offended, I won’t be upset or angry, I will stop, I will hold you and then you will make us coffee. Alright?’ Serena reassured, dropping kisses to her lovers collar bones.  
‘Alright’ Bernie whispered breathlessly.  
Serena moved her hand to Bernie’s centre, she lightly brushed her fingers over her entire sex, causing Bernie to gasp, arching a little off the bed, and when Serena’s fingers entered her for the first time she wrapped her arms around Serena, pulling her close. She kissed her, looked her deep in the eyes as Serena slowly made love to her, gently, until she came, quietly moaning as she clenched around her lovers fingers. They lay, Serena on top, forehead to forehead, breathing erratically.  
‘Thank you’ Serena whispered  
‘Surely I should be thanking you?’ Bernie grinned, ‘That was beautiful’  
‘Thank you for trusting me Bernie, you gave me part of yourself this morning and I feel so privileged to have shared this with you’ Serena whispered, eye’s glistening.  
Bernie finally realised that she was free, that she was starting again and that she didn’t need to be thankful for Serena, because she accepted that she deserved to be loved and cared for as much as she would love and care for another.


End file.
